Zack’s Story: Drafted into Caregiving After A Three Minute Phone Call

In the middle of a meeting with my relatively new boss on the morning of December 14th, 2006, not even a couple of months into the biggest job of my HR career, I received a phone call from my brother. I sent it to voicemail. He called back seconds later. I knew something was wrong.  I stepped out of the meeting and heard words from my panicking brother that would change my present and future life, both personal and professional. I heard in a very emotional voice, “Dad had a stroke and is in the hospital!”

To say that I and my family were completely unprepared for this event is an understatement. My father, at 78 years old, was healthy in our eyes. He never went to the doctors. Outside of one blood pressure medication, he never took any other medications. He did smoke quite a bit.  And we learned later that he did have a family history of heart issues. We should have been prepared.  But we weren’t.  

I immediately left the next day and flew to Charlotte, NC from New Jersey. I spent quite a few days there trying to figure out how to handle the current crisis, how to support my mother who is the primary caregiver, how to support my siblings who were overwhelmed with emotion and paralyzed with inaction all while having no idea what I was doing.

Since that initial visit I went back and forth to Charlotte six times in six months trying to oversee the transition of care from hospital to rehab to home. My job as much as I tried to make it a priority on the surface slid down in priority and suffered. My wife and kids were second priority and they were beginning to resent a little of it. My finances were impacted and I was oblivious to it. My health took a hit too and I was someone who never got sick.  

The whole time my boss nor anyone at work for that matter knew anything about what I was going through. I chose not to tell them. I come from a very private proud immigrant family and was raised not to share personal details with anyone outside of your immediate family, much less work. Nor did I feel it safe in the work environment to share personal things like this and not get some kind of negative consequences. It was just a gut feeling. No specific reason.  

Finally I did share with a fellow HR peer and they told me to contact EAP.  I was in HR and did not understand what EAP did. I called them. No slam against them, but they were not very helpful. They simply gave me a list of home care agencies and I called the first one, not knowing what to ask nor did I fully understand their purpose. I gave them my credit card over the phone for two weeks of non refundable service to which my mother canceled after the second visit because they were rude to her. I was back to feeling lost, lonely and defeated.

Since then, and after my father passed away in 2011, I have been my mother’s caregiver from long distance. I have not perfected the caregiver journey, nor do I believe that is possible, but I have learned from many of my mistakes and I feel in a much better place today than I was back then. I not only feel like I am being a good caregiver for my mother, but I feel more like a son to her than a caregiver. I value the time we spend together because much of the stress and fatigue is being better managed with respect to my own family, work, finances, and health.

Every caregiver journey is unique and depends on many circumstances. What I have found to be common though is that a caregiver is not alone. All caregivers experience many of the same issues I did and the more we share, the more we learn and prepare.  

One other fact I have learned especially for those not on the caregiver journey yet. Know that a caregiver journey is inevitable, sooner or later, and the more prepared you are in the beginning of the journey, the smoother it will be.  

As I look back over the caregiver journey I experienced with my dad, I wonder if the financial, emotional and health set-backs I suffered would have been different had I talked to my management or HR about my working caregiver situation. At the time, I had no indication from my company as to how my story would have been received. I take accountability for this mostly but some has to be on the shoulders’ of my employer and the workplace environment they help create. 

That’s why our work today is so important. Our goal is to help employers support their working caregivers by helping them create a care culture where employees feel safe sharing their caregiver status at work. We believe that it is possible to be a good son, or daughter, or grandson, etc. to our loved ones while at the same time being a good employee to the company. Companies who get it will reap the benefits of this valuable segment of the workforce.

Well, that’s my caregiver story. We invite you to share your caregiver stories with us.

Until the next blog. Thank you for stopping by, reading, and for caring!