Laurette Foggini 12/7/24

(This interview has been edited and condensed for length)

Zack:   Tell us a little bit about your story. When did you first become that long distance caregiver? Tell us a little bit about that and about your parents.

Laurette:  I started in the field in home care like you, Zack.  I was approached by a neighbor who bought a franchise. She said: “You should be working for me. This is totally up your alley.” And I replied: “I don't understand what this is.” I didn't even know it was an industry because I volunteered with seniors for years with my son when he was small. We would do this visiting grandparent, program for low-income seniors that were isolated. I didn't even realize there was a paying position in that. I did that for about… 12 or so years before my parents even needed help. Just working with families one on one, meeting with them, understanding what their situation was, and then either recommending home care or other options.

When it hit for my parents, I was like, I got this. I know all about this. But, of course, when it's your family, you don't got nothing. You got a big headache is what you got because you think you know everything and obviously you don't. And it's a different dynamic. So, that started with my father as he aged. We saw the memory loss. We saw the resistance to giving up his license.

So, all the things that I was coaching people on, I saw with my own family. And it's a wakeup call because you're like, wait a second. Oh, you can't just tell people what to do and then expect it to be done. I'm based in San Francisco. My brother decided to move up from Atlanta to help out, and he pretty much did it by himself with my dad. My mom was still healthy, so she could help. 

I would go back and forth and just kind of swoop in and give them my unsolicited advice. Then when mom got sick, it was just my brother. At that point, he didn't have that support. So, then I really did step in as a more permanent part of the care team. I was able to do that because I got laid off from a job. He had asked me to come and help him, and I realized it was really supporting my brother and spending time with my mother before she passed. But a lot of it was about helping him. I probably spent about 70% of my time in New York, at my childhood home…  and did that for the last six months, which worked out well because I was able to approach it from a professional perspective at that point, recommend hospice where my brother was very emotional about it.

I stepped in and ramped up what I was doing before, which was from a long distance, but doing it locally. Bringing hospice in, being the point person for that, making sure everything was lined up so that we had everything, you know, the will, the power of attorney, all of that, which luckily my mother had done. And I stayed through the end.

 Now I got my sister. My mother was really involved with my sister for many years, protecting me from some serious mental health issues. I mean, I obviously, about it… but I didn't have to deal with my sister as much when my mother was alive. Once my mother died, it was my brother and myself supporting a sister who now lives in Juneau, Alaska…  I stepped into that role first in the capacity of… executor of the trust, then to try to get the power of attorney for her because I realized that there were so many things that were slipping through the cracks. It was challenging because of the distance. Also because of her mental illness, just getting the paperwork in place. Now, I'm realizing it's a lot harder than caring for responsible aging parents… you have the mental health issues, which are challenging at best.

Zack:  You try to hold down jobs while you're doing all this right?

Laurette:  Yeah… I work, not full time, but easily to get to full time. I work one on one with clients, kind of as a professional family member. I think having my experience of being long distance really helps me understand what the needs are. You just need a responsible person that has the patience and a little more perspective… that can step in and serve that purpose. I think it became even more defined for me when we found someone recently for my sister up in Juneau who is able to have conversations with my sister that we just can't even fathom having. It's full circle.

Selma:  Just listening to your story, it sounds like most of the time you've been in a different state than your care recipient. Can you pinpoint one or two of the biggest challenges that you've faced trying to hold down your own life in one state while caring for another person in a different state?

Laurette:  Yeah. Really good question…. It's very hard to have a job where you can be… in another place, unless you're fully remote. So, that's an obvious challenge. But I think one of the bigger challenges is making sure you have someone local. Because as much time as you want to spend there, you can't spend your whole time there. So, having someone local who you trust, who can do that day to day. 

I would say the other part is your own self-care. Staying connected to your community, which when you’re physically away is really hard. So that was a big challenge for me. Like figuring out, how do I keep that community going? How do I create a semi-community in my new location? Not even community, but lifestyle, so that I don't feel like my life is completely on hold while I'm there caring for the person… there's a lot of events that you miss that you can't make up.

Zack:  You had an advantage because a lot of times when we're talking to working caregivers, they tell us that they never realized they were a caregiver. But you already had the inside scoop on that because of the work that you do.

Laurette:  Yeah…. It wasn't a slow ebb into it. It was like, I got to get home. Things are bad.

Zack:  With all that you know today, if you went back to Laurette of years ago when you started, from all that you know now, what would you tell yourself to get ready for or to do?

Laurette:  I think before @#%! hit the fan… it’s making sure you know where everything is. Where is the will? Is there a power of attorney? Where are the bank accounts? Start as much as possible, as your parent will allow it, taking over bill pay because that is an incredible education on where everything is and what you need to do afterwards.

 I think the business of death is really challenging. People are not ready for it. If you start in that phase, at least when a parent is starting to show signs but not yet fully incapacitated, you're a lot better. Luckily, I did that because I had one parent go and then the other, so I already started getting more involved. I think that would be a tip I would give other people…. I would get that administrative stuff done as soon as possible.

And I think the other thing is just recognize that sometimes how important it is, no matter what your budget is, there's always a way to get other people involved because you need a break. You cannot be a 100% hands-on caregiver and still stay sane. It won't happen. Even if it's just being able to get a friend in that's going to provide care in exchange for dinner, anything. Having someone that can relieve you of some of that, give you a break and some time.  And as much as possible, form alliances… whether it's a niece or a cousin, somebody that's going to be your partner in crime…They may not be your best friend, but somebody that's there that can spot check you. “Hey, I haven't talked to mom yet today.  Can you just drive by and see what's going on?” I think those are the things that I wouldn't recognize when you're tapped out… that would be my advice.

Selma:  You've been a caregiver for several, family members. What is it that keeps you doing this? What motivates you to do this work?

Laurette: … I think for me, I do focus on self-care… that's about getting outside, exercising, hiking, yoga, go to the gym. That's how I start my day, and that calms me down for sure.  Luckily, I was born with a lot of empathy, and I enjoy bringing joy to other people. That's something that makes me happy… So that helps a lot. I'm a little crazy too, as you know.

Zack:  You've mentioned that you were laid off at the time. I get that. But what if you had a job? With all your experience, what advice would you have for somebody if they do have a full-time job to try to deal with all this? What should they do with their company besides quitting because too many people are doing that?

Laurette:  I think… you need to share with your boss what's going on early…having the conversation with your boss upfront saying, this is my situation right now. How can we work together so that I can still get back or get to the caregiving part without having it interfere with my work? … because it's such a personal thing and we've all gone through it, or go through it. I think it's important to recognize that you're not alone. Your boss is probably going to have, if they're not doing it now, they're going to have to do it. There's no shame in saying, I have to step in, and this is really important to me. And I'm going to make sure it doesn't impact my job more than it has to…. I think it's having those conversations right away… with your employer.

Selma:  How did you land on writing children's books about caregiving?  Do you have any advice for some of our readers who are caregivers, who have small children and they must somehow embrace them into this whole process of that grandparent or other loved one who’s going through this journey?

Laurette:  Oh, yeah. I have advice on everything. (we all laugh).  But I know better.  No. I think the important thing is that kids like to feel helpful. If you make it a scary thing, it's going to be a scary thing. In the book, Lola's grandmother describes dementia as a tired brain. So, it has to be age appropriate.  You're not going to sit a five-year old down and say, “Well, this is Alzheimer's “… you don't have to get into too much description about what the disease is, just about how that child is going to see it. So, Lola's grandmother said: “It's a tired brain. I'm going to forget things.”

I really wanted to show kids that you can do a lot just by your presence, just by being there, just by a smile, a touch…. It's just taking time to do it, and I think encouraging children to do that and showing them how it's done.

Zack:  There are trigger words that people say to us as caregivers that drive us crazy. Like, “Wow, you're a superwoman.”  You're like, “Well, I don't feel like a superwoman.” Also, people often ask caregivers, whether they mean it or not: “Is there anything I can do for you?” Do you have any suggestions on how to respond to that?

 Laurette: First, the asker shouldn't ask, “Is there anything I can do for you?” They should ask, “Can I bring you a meal? Can I sit with your mother and play a game of scrabble? Because I know it's driving you crazy.” So, I think we have to stop asking, how can I help, and offer help. Because caregivers are so overwhelmed…. it's more of the question that has to change… the person that's asking that needs to change that question and get a little more creative than how can I help?

Selma:  You mentioned about the work that you do supporting families. Can you share a little bit about the business that you're in and how you support families and how people can connect with you?

Laurette:  I work, for an agency called the Hummingbird Project, and it's a division of Sage Elder Care Solutions. Sage Elder Care does care management, they do home care, and then they have this division, which is called the Hummingbird Project. Hummingbird Project is intended to bring joy to people.

 We're activity specialists, so we work one on one with people. I have… one client who I'm going to see now has paranoid schizophrenia. He loves music from the seventies, and he loves driving around. And that's what we do. We drive around and listen to music from the seventies, and it gives him great joy and gives me great joy.  Another client, she loves to read, but her eyesight is going. We read books, and then we have a little book club.

I also, do some care management… I'm engaging with the individual, so we may be doing activities, but I'm also feeding information back to the family and seeing where things are happening. I'm looking out for, hoarding. I'm looking out for financial abuse. I'm looking out for a change in condition, services that we can bring in to support this person in their journey….

I have a website, lorettfagini.com…. I'm all-over social media. I do talk a lot about the caregiving journey and the challenges and share tips on what I learned … on LinkedIn and Facebook and Instagram. I also have an organization called Adventure Gals SF, and we support women through activities, but we also support their professional careers as well. We bring them in to talk about what they're passionate about.

Zack & Selma:  Thank you so much for doing this. You really rock!